A tarnished dream

At first i wanted to right about ego and forgiveness but decided to not dwell in that now n write about a dream i dreamed four years plus ago. When i started working i made a promise to myself that i will be the most helpful helpdesk. No is the answer for those of you whom might think "Helpdesk? He will definately be bullied into finishing the 'unwanted' jobs". My dream was to be an ever willing colleague to share knowledge. When i was a junior cook i know how difficult it was to approach a senior who always seems to be busy. For me approaching them was like putting my hear on the chopping block. Putting my dear life at the mercy of the executioner. I remember sending a dish to the masterchef after making sure that i have followed the recipe given. Upon serving the dish my master straightaway commented bout the flaws in my dish presentation. There goes hours of effort destroyed in mere seconds. No doubt after the experience i learned faster n tend to be more careful in completing a task. From that moment on, i decided to be an approachable and helpful senior to my juniors but not to the extend of spoon feeding them. A simple dream that was tarnished today. Today was the day that i blew my top off. Well i didnt really start a frantic word attack on my junior but i did raise my voice n i believe it was obvious from my facial expression n tone of voice that i was annoyed. After the incident, i felt really bad towards my junior. I was angry with myself for actually allowing myself to succumb to the frustration deep within me due to the situation i was in. How can i be so frail that i cant control my anger. I vented out my frustration to the wrong people. Seeing a dream kept for the past four years plus got tarnished really effects me. I made another promise today that i will try my very best to make up for the mistake that i have done.  ~a dreamer who dreams of a better reality~

Bird Talk

Young One : Mummy why do we have to escape? Why cant we just stay here in this golden cage? Moreover our owner now is a good person.

Mummy Bird : My little one, I want you to know the joy and fear of the real world. You are still very young to be contend with just living in this small golden cage when there is a whole world of blue sky for you to explore. Look at that bird flying freely soaring high up the blue sky. Dont you want to be like him?

Young One : But mummy he is big and strong. Look at me i am small and might not survive the outside world.

Mummy Bird : You can be like him. All you need to do is start somewhere and for your case it is to go beyond this golden cage. No ordinary bird wants to leave its comfort zone but every normal bird will dream of being the great one. You my dear is no ordinary bird, I refuse for you to just be a normal bird. I want you to soar high up the sky and be the great one. You may not succeed but you will surely be a better bird after this. Go on take the leap. Dont be afraid...

A Note to Mega

Dear Mega,

I truly hope your life with the Crabbians is better than what I am going through after moving from an international kitchen to a domestic one. Life might be a little difficult for you in Crabia but rest assured that anything you do there will one day change your life and the people there. I on the other hand is still struggling with the big question “How do I make a change?”.

When we were studying in Utopia everything seems so clear to me, our goals and plans to make a change in the world. I am truly happy that you are actually on the right track in making an impact to humankind (not the whole world but at least to the Crabbians). Unfortunately, I on the other hand is still trying to ensure myself that decisions that I have made is the best for me.

I did tell you before that the reason behind my migration is to be able to pursue my dream on creating a hybrid timun serunding wrapped in sushi. Now that I have migrated from an international kitchen to a local one I no longer have the confidence and feeling a bit demoralize. I thought I would not miss life in the international kitchen but I do miss the chaotic scene everytime the guest orders their meals. Voice of the chef shouting, the late nights, talking to other ingredients in the kitchen after being saved from the wok and the prestige of being in the chef’s special ingredients cabinet.

I do realize that now I am sounding a lil wee bit self centered but that’s just how I felt. In the international kitchen I know that the chef appreciates and trusted me but now in the local kitchen I don’t seem to be able to impress the sous chef even though the big chef has faith in my ability. The sous chef is so difficult for me to understand. Though he too keeps me in the special ingredients cabinet (a smaller one compared to the last one), I can’t help feeling that he is only doing it as a respect to the big chef. I am trying really hard to impress him but nothing seems to work. I am so demoralize now to the extent I no longer have the drive to prepare the necessary stuff for my hybrid timun project.

I know that I should not dwell in the past but the past seems more warm and comfortable. Nowadays I purposely try to maintain active contact with other ingredient from the old kitchen for I still want to feel the warmth of being among friends who knows the real serunding me and not just the outer sushi me. It is actually my own fault because I did not give my new peers the chance to know the real me. In my quest to impress the sous chef and other ingredients in the kitchen I had put up a wall around me and only tries to portray the calm cool me despite being insecure about my position as a special ingredient deep within me. Well I guess this is expected when you push you boundary too much you are bound to feel vulnerable and that’s just what I have done when I decided to migrate…testing my limit.

I will not concede I will push myself harder and I will go through this somber period of my life!

Thank you for always being there for me.

Yours truly,
Serunding_sushi

Forgetting

Wouldn't it be easier if we can be selective in what we want to remember and what not? If this is really that good perhaps people suffering with selective memory disorder can be consider as lucky. Not having to remember or think about what hurts them the most and only remembering all the good times. It is like forever being induced with chocolate drip into your system. Always 'high' with the happy hormones. No heart crushing pain of being left, ignored or just plain regret of past mistakes.

But....

It is the pain of past memories that will teach us the need to cherish future happy moments knowing that the pain brought by past memories might not be easily bearable. It is bearable but not easily as God will only test its subject within its capability and never beyond it. The joy of not having bad memories vs the joy of having good memories after having experienced past painful moments...arghh...it is a dilemma that one can only hope to be able to go through without doing anything which is self destructive.

I guess the only way to handle this is to acknowledge whatever painful moments that we had gone through as a lesson for the future. Painful it may be to be endured but to try to forget will only be a lot more excruciating as our mind is trained to make something that we want to forget a lot more vivid compared to when we try to just move on without trying to forget. It is like pressing the delete button when you want to delete any file on the computer, there will always be a pop up box asking whether you are sure about deleting the file. After reading the message we will eventually do a mental check of content of the file.

Be strong, be brave, have faith in Him and you'll be able to go through anything...

Broga Hill

Went up to Broga Hill with friends this morning. There not too many people (not because we were early) maybe because it was raining yesterday and most people might assume that the track would be slippery. Luckily the tracks were ok.

With two glasses of milk and only two hours of sleep I went up the hill. The area was not guarded like a national park but there were parking fees of RM2 to be paid (Malaysian sure do know how to make money hehe). Nobody told me that it was not going to be a straight climb up the hill. There were two other hill tops that needed to be scaled before we can actually reach the highest peak. I was certainly not prepared for that. When I saw the first peak, I was excited to go there as fast as I can, as I wanted to finish up the climb as soon as possible (wanted to get home earlier so that I may catch some sleep). So I hurried up to get there and boy! it was really heart shattering when I saw the other peak that needed to be scaled.I did get to the top in the end and it was all worth it. So guys do give it a try. My friends and I did this as part of our training for Mount Kinabalu in April 2011. Hopefully we will make it hehe...

meet or meat???

to go is to meet
not to go is not to meet
but to meet is want i want
but to want to meet is what i don't want

it is better to meet or not meet at all
rather than to want to meet but not wanting to appear to want it

meet or not to meet is the question
but to listen to dream of the heart or logic of the brain is the choice to be made

Happy and hatred

Have you ever felt happy and hatred at both time. Happy that you finally able to be acknowledged but at the same time you hate yourself for being happy that you are acknowledged.

*sigh* matter of heart is so complicated....