A Note to Mega

Dear Mega,

I truly hope your life with the Crabbians is better than what I am going through after moving from an international kitchen to a domestic one. Life might be a little difficult for you in Crabia but rest assured that anything you do there will one day change your life and the people there. I on the other hand is still struggling with the big question “How do I make a change?”.

When we were studying in Utopia everything seems so clear to me, our goals and plans to make a change in the world. I am truly happy that you are actually on the right track in making an impact to humankind (not the whole world but at least to the Crabbians). Unfortunately, I on the other hand is still trying to ensure myself that decisions that I have made is the best for me.

I did tell you before that the reason behind my migration is to be able to pursue my dream on creating a hybrid timun serunding wrapped in sushi. Now that I have migrated from an international kitchen to a local one I no longer have the confidence and feeling a bit demoralize. I thought I would not miss life in the international kitchen but I do miss the chaotic scene everytime the guest orders their meals. Voice of the chef shouting, the late nights, talking to other ingredients in the kitchen after being saved from the wok and the prestige of being in the chef’s special ingredients cabinet.

I do realize that now I am sounding a lil wee bit self centered but that’s just how I felt. In the international kitchen I know that the chef appreciates and trusted me but now in the local kitchen I don’t seem to be able to impress the sous chef even though the big chef has faith in my ability. The sous chef is so difficult for me to understand. Though he too keeps me in the special ingredients cabinet (a smaller one compared to the last one), I can’t help feeling that he is only doing it as a respect to the big chef. I am trying really hard to impress him but nothing seems to work. I am so demoralize now to the extent I no longer have the drive to prepare the necessary stuff for my hybrid timun project.

I know that I should not dwell in the past but the past seems more warm and comfortable. Nowadays I purposely try to maintain active contact with other ingredient from the old kitchen for I still want to feel the warmth of being among friends who knows the real serunding me and not just the outer sushi me. It is actually my own fault because I did not give my new peers the chance to know the real me. In my quest to impress the sous chef and other ingredients in the kitchen I had put up a wall around me and only tries to portray the calm cool me despite being insecure about my position as a special ingredient deep within me. Well I guess this is expected when you push you boundary too much you are bound to feel vulnerable and that’s just what I have done when I decided to migrate…testing my limit.

I will not concede I will push myself harder and I will go through this somber period of my life!

Thank you for always being there for me.

Yours truly,
Serunding_sushi

Forgetting

Wouldn't it be easier if we can be selective in what we want to remember and what not? If this is really that good perhaps people suffering with selective memory disorder can be consider as lucky. Not having to remember or think about what hurts them the most and only remembering all the good times. It is like forever being induced with chocolate drip into your system. Always 'high' with the happy hormones. No heart crushing pain of being left, ignored or just plain regret of past mistakes.

But....

It is the pain of past memories that will teach us the need to cherish future happy moments knowing that the pain brought by past memories might not be easily bearable. It is bearable but not easily as God will only test its subject within its capability and never beyond it. The joy of not having bad memories vs the joy of having good memories after having experienced past painful moments...arghh...it is a dilemma that one can only hope to be able to go through without doing anything which is self destructive.

I guess the only way to handle this is to acknowledge whatever painful moments that we had gone through as a lesson for the future. Painful it may be to be endured but to try to forget will only be a lot more excruciating as our mind is trained to make something that we want to forget a lot more vivid compared to when we try to just move on without trying to forget. It is like pressing the delete button when you want to delete any file on the computer, there will always be a pop up box asking whether you are sure about deleting the file. After reading the message we will eventually do a mental check of content of the file.

Be strong, be brave, have faith in Him and you'll be able to go through anything...

Broga Hill

Went up to Broga Hill with friends this morning. There not too many people (not because we were early) maybe because it was raining yesterday and most people might assume that the track would be slippery. Luckily the tracks were ok.

With two glasses of milk and only two hours of sleep I went up the hill. The area was not guarded like a national park but there were parking fees of RM2 to be paid (Malaysian sure do know how to make money hehe). Nobody told me that it was not going to be a straight climb up the hill. There were two other hill tops that needed to be scaled before we can actually reach the highest peak. I was certainly not prepared for that. When I saw the first peak, I was excited to go there as fast as I can, as I wanted to finish up the climb as soon as possible (wanted to get home earlier so that I may catch some sleep). So I hurried up to get there and boy! it was really heart shattering when I saw the other peak that needed to be scaled.I did get to the top in the end and it was all worth it. So guys do give it a try. My friends and I did this as part of our training for Mount Kinabalu in April 2011. Hopefully we will make it hehe...

meet or meat???

to go is to meet
not to go is not to meet
but to meet is want i want
but to want to meet is what i don't want

it is better to meet or not meet at all
rather than to want to meet but not wanting to appear to want it

meet or not to meet is the question
but to listen to dream of the heart or logic of the brain is the choice to be made

Happy and hatred

Have you ever felt happy and hatred at both time. Happy that you finally able to be acknowledged but at the same time you hate yourself for being happy that you are acknowledged.

*sigh* matter of heart is so complicated....

gentleman for a lady

how hard it is actually to be a gentleman? i believe it is as hard as being a lady to a women especially with impossible expections coming from men on how a lady should act. both gender is to be blamed coz we like to set impossible benchmark on what it meant to be a gentleman or a lady due to false potrayal of the concept by entertainment industry. for example, women (most women if not all) nowadays expect their other half to be as charming as Edward the vampire. for one we are not vampire and surely does not live forever. im sure being immortal Edward must have learn or pick up a gentleman's habit for a long long looong time. thus only proving that practise makes perfect. im sure Edward would have had countless number of lovers, girlfriends or any other name you call you significant other to learn how to act properly. if he does not learn from his past mistakes he must be one impossibly stubborn man.

well ladies do bear in mind that we are only human who have a limited time to perfect the skills of a gentleman which some people might not even succeed till the day they meet the angle of death. my point is, we have to be realistic and allow some time for the male species to learn from his mistakes and not just slap them with the big stamp "NOT A GENTLEMAN" or in malay "X GENTLEMAN LANGSUNG".....being a getlemen is a skill that needed to be performed without the element of being pretencious. it have to be potrayed naturally by a person. you can't force it out of a man or you might risk getting a stiff partner who awkwardly demonstrate the act of being a gentleman as if he was following a manual. to put an end to my rambling on this subject, ponder on this 'a gentleman is for a lady and vice versa'......

something stupid...

have u ever done something stupid just to satisfy yourself and end up feeling happy but laced with guilt of a defeated man? i for sure have done it and so do countless other people out there. for example, you decide not to do something but ended up doing it in the end after much excuses have been uttered and made up so that you feel as if you were pushed to the corner and doing something that you have decided not to do earlier seems inevitable. how fragile and vurnerable we are to the game of the heart and mind *sigh*....for today at least i decided not to dwell too much in guilt but to cherish the feeling of satisfaction that i felt after overturning my initial decision haha....some people might say this attitude as enjoying the moment while it last and the chance to do it is still there....

ps....am i making any sense in this post?