A stab to the heart

"the human tendency to wobble illogically in decision and later to assume that the decision was, after all, logical and enormously important, but forever to tell of it 'with a sigh' as depriving the speaker of who-knows-what interesting experience." -Eleanor Sickels on the poem The Road Not Taken

Midnite Drama

I can't sleep...

It could be due to my excitement bout tomorrow. Am i excited? I dont think so. I think i am more scared and worried rather than excited.

I love travelling to new places but i am not good at making new friends. A trait that shouldnt come together.

I am afraid that if i sleep now i might wake up in a strange place.

I am afraid that if i sleep now everyone that i know will no longer be there tomorrow.

Paranoia

Hush dear go to sleep and tomorrow will be a new day for a new adventure..

8 questions about my little sister's wedding

Q: How was the wedding?
Alhamdulillah it went well but it was energy draining to me. Back in 2010 during my other sis's wedding i did not feel this tired. I choose to blame it on the hot weather while supressing the small voice inside of me which kept saying "You are getting older" *laughing*

Q: Being an eligible bachelor among your cousins and siblings,how did you handle question about your own marriage plan?
There are 3 steps on how i counter such questions:
1. Smile
2. While laughing says "Itulah dia soalan minggu ini" and try to instigate them to laugh with me
3. While they are laughing smile again and just walk away as if i needed to attend to other guests

Q: Did any of your sister's friend caught your attention?
*blushing* Yup one of them did catch my attention. I first saw her during the engagement ceremony and was looking forward to seeing her again during the wedding. She came and i saw her. That was it nothing worth mentioning happened between us.

Q: That was anti climatic. Apart from this obviously one sided excitement did you manage to leave an impression to your sis's friends?
During the 'berinai' ceremony my sister did came to me to tell me that some of her friends thinks i am adorable.

Q: What do you think you did which resulted to the adorable remark?
Maybe the fact that I was holding my niece throughout the ceremony. A man holding a baby in his arms never fails to exude a warm feeling among girls. I might be generalising here but i suspect this was the main reason for the adorable remark plus the occassional witty remarks that i voiced out during the event.

Q: Did you cry like you did in 2010?
I tried my best not to but once the groom concluded the ijab and qabul, my eyes just got watery. Believe me i did try supressing it and i did well at first. Then when my sister came to me we started hugging each other and she started crying. So did i. In between the sobs i manage to slip in some words of advice to her.

Q: What did you do with your sister on the eve of the solemnization ceremony as siblings?
Once i arrived in my hometown, both my sisters and i went out together. We went to pick up her wedding dress and had a drink in my favourite leng chee kang shop. We talked and joked around. I was happy and felt really glad that we went out together.

Q: A day after the wedding reception did you feel weird having a new person in the house like you felt in 2010?
I guess i am more matured now because instead of keeping quiet and feeling uneasy with the latest member of our family, i tried to be warm and friendly. I felt bad to my first brother in law because back in 2010 i was not very friendly and did not talk much eventhough he tried to strike conversation with me.

My Little Sisters

Another sister of mine is getting married. Compared to the last one i am more calm and receptive of the idea now.

Back in 2010 when another sister of mine were courted, i was freaked out. I was present when my now brother in law's family came to our house to ask for my sister's hand in marriage. The whole formality was over in less than an hour. Part of me was kind of mad with my parent because they were so receptive and cool about losing their daughter. Well they wont literally lose their daughter but at that time i felt as if my sister is being taken away from me. What made matters worts was the fact that the wedding was to take place in less than 6 months. I was like 'this is crazy!'.

How was i suppose to prepare myself to handle all the emotions that was engulfing me at that time. At that time i was sad at the thought of losing my little sister. I was scared that she might no longer need me or worst totally forgets about me. We were so close to each other.

When we were still studying, i remember that everytime i got home for semester break i would tease her like crazy. Sometimes my mum had to pull my ears (note : it was done in a loving way) just to get me to stop. Her marriage at that time was like a threat to my happiness.

She eventually got married and i learnt to accept our new family member, my brother in law. Time had proven that I was completely wrong thinking that her marriage might change our relationship. Well I may no longer teases her as much but now i know that no matter what i will always be her big brother.

So does less drama from me this time round when another sister if mine is getting married is a sign that i dont care? Hell no! I guess i have matured or some say experienced enough to know that marriage is not about separating your family members in fact it enriches your family. I might still shed some tears during the solemnization ceremony like i did last time. Dont get me wrong, for the tears were tears of joy and definately not because she got married first before me haha..

I pray to Allah for the happiness of my sister and her future husband. May Allah grants both of you ample willingness to forgive each other for mistakes that both of you might do in the future and gives both of you patience for the challenges of a married life.

Living in the moment

We tend to look to the future and neglect the current reality. Well maybe not everyone but i for sure does it. At times i dwell too much on the consequences of the action that i am plannning to act on to the extend that i get freaked out by the various negatives outcome of the actions. Some might say what i have done as being in the spirit of being coutious and mindful but when we look at this sutuation based on an engineering principles, i have travelled no where as i am still at the starting point. Philosophy wise i have made a journey of self discovery as thinking or reflecting on our actions is a virtue which is evident in a quote below:

Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968) American black leader.

I think in life we do have to take some time to think but it should not deter us from trying new stuff. For example i have this problem with heights but when i was travelling in SA back in 2010 i did try to abseil down the table mountain. Before doing it, i did a lot of thinking but once i swiped my credit card there was no turning back. I did it n enjoyed it but to do it again i doubt it haha

Another good example would be my dearest friend Mega, she decided to leave her highly prestigious title as the squid queen to live among the Krabbian n educate their young ones (Note: this fictional like character was created to hide the identity of my fren). This was done for she believes that she needed to make a change. If u dont do it who else will. That was her motivation. Well i am not saying that we should leave our day job n start doing whatever that the heart desires. We have our resposibilities so be moderate n wuteva that u decide to do after reading this. Maybe u can start with the dream of eradicating poverty for example by volunteering with NGO such as Kechara Soup Kitchen. Or you can tell outright to that special person how much u aporeciates his/her presence in your life and not just thinking of ways to express it.

Bottomline is living in the moment. Dont wait untill tomorrow for you to do something positive. Do take time to think of the consequences of your doings but do not fall into the trap of fear. Fear will save you but it too can kill you by making you regret of the 'what ifs' and 'i should have done it' moments when looking back to your life. Let's us all try to seize the day and live in the moment...on another note, to those of you who have been there through all my rants and ramblings, do know that i love you all 😘 

A tarnished dream

At first i wanted to right about ego and forgiveness but decided to not dwell in that now n write about a dream i dreamed four years plus ago. When i started working i made a promise to myself that i will be the most helpful helpdesk. No is the answer for those of you whom might think "Helpdesk? He will definately be bullied into finishing the 'unwanted' jobs". My dream was to be an ever willing colleague to share knowledge. When i was a junior cook i know how difficult it was to approach a senior who always seems to be busy. For me approaching them was like putting my hear on the chopping block. Putting my dear life at the mercy of the executioner. I remember sending a dish to the masterchef after making sure that i have followed the recipe given. Upon serving the dish my master straightaway commented bout the flaws in my dish presentation. There goes hours of effort destroyed in mere seconds. No doubt after the experience i learned faster n tend to be more careful in completing a task. From that moment on, i decided to be an approachable and helpful senior to my juniors but not to the extend of spoon feeding them. A simple dream that was tarnished today. Today was the day that i blew my top off. Well i didnt really start a frantic word attack on my junior but i did raise my voice n i believe it was obvious from my facial expression n tone of voice that i was annoyed. After the incident, i felt really bad towards my junior. I was angry with myself for actually allowing myself to succumb to the frustration deep within me due to the situation i was in. How can i be so frail that i cant control my anger. I vented out my frustration to the wrong people. Seeing a dream kept for the past four years plus got tarnished really effects me. I made another promise today that i will try my very best to make up for the mistake that i have done.  ~a dreamer who dreams of a better reality~

Bird Talk

Young One : Mummy why do we have to escape? Why cant we just stay here in this golden cage? Moreover our owner now is a good person.

Mummy Bird : My little one, I want you to know the joy and fear of the real world. You are still very young to be contend with just living in this small golden cage when there is a whole world of blue sky for you to explore. Look at that bird flying freely soaring high up the blue sky. Dont you want to be like him?

Young One : But mummy he is big and strong. Look at me i am small and might not survive the outside world.

Mummy Bird : You can be like him. All you need to do is start somewhere and for your case it is to go beyond this golden cage. No ordinary bird wants to leave its comfort zone but every normal bird will dream of being the great one. You my dear is no ordinary bird, I refuse for you to just be a normal bird. I want you to soar high up the sky and be the great one. You may not succeed but you will surely be a better bird after this. Go on take the leap. Dont be afraid...